Autumn light

Fall, is for some a moment of despair at the passing of summer. Me? I'm giddy with delight at the prospect of darker days, knits, blankets and candles. I'm in love with the Fem holder from Onshus. I see this with burnt colours for fall all the way through to Christmas..which I am already counting down to. Finally a candelabra that is large enough to make an impact on our ginormous dining table without looking like a Viking table setting. Can you say finally found the light?. Pun intended!

Share

Sharing is caring. I'm not sure if I ever really subscribed to that idea or if I was just caught up in the hype. When I discovered Instagram, I loved it for but yet haven't opened it in almost two years. Fake, materialistic and constantly wanting to one up left me exhausted. Facebook, I still check regularly and I finally saw some real use come of it in the wake of hurricane Irma. But on a whole I secretly long to deactivate it, save the cute memory pictures that pop up of the kids. I don't share those because face it, we all have our own cute little memories and that's just it,.. it is my cute and that's not necessarily yours. I feel like it's a looking glass with the depth of a puddle.

The real reason for not blogging these past months, is the lack of connection. Look at me, look at me, look at this little part of me, is not me. It's not authentic. Seeing small, minute details of someone's life is not the same as knowing them or valuing them or even understanding them. Connection and understanding are my love and lust. To get to that requires depth.That seems the hardest to find, when everyone seems to want publicity instead of caring, followers instead of friends, lackeys instead of siblings, personal assistants instead of parenting partners.

To reach depths, you have to be willing to go there yourself. You have to find yourself searching for the other's meaning. I haven't been able to, because I haven't wanted to. Hard decisions and, to some, even the really important ones, hard actions and sharp lines drawn in the dirt. Because it means at least for a time, completely separating from all the ballast. Social media, snapshots, edited posts, acquaintances, polite chitchat do more than tire me. It saps the life out of me. All the casual sharing leaves me buzzed and exhausted and I can't find my depth, much less yours.

I feel like I'm wasting time, drowning in the shallows, while yearning for depth.Worrying if I should accept that friend request from that person I have no clue of, trying to smile and be friendly with or avoid the moms who seem to flock to the midday school-close like a social gathering but who can never remember your name, trying to muster the interest in attending the next work reception, fretting if I need to make more posts whether I feel like sharing or not, agonising over explaining me for the umpteenth time to people with hidden agenda's and no matching depth. Sharing everything from the smallest detail to the deepest thought. Sharing is fatiguing. To the point, where I'm not sure what to share or even if I want to share..

Mummy tummy

Nineteen weeks and counting. Almost half way! After my first two I thought what poppycock when people said "oh, you'll forget everything from a pink cloud". Guess what? I did. How did I forget the nausea, fatigue, pimpled-riddled skin, indigestion and the bloody joint pain?

If I get one more "gosh, you're big" or ''showing early, ehh", I might unleash the full wrath of the emotional train-wreck that I morphed into. Nope, no kidding, it's puppies and sunshine or I'm frazzled mess. I just want a steak for the love of god and a nap somewhere besides a cushion prop mountain on the sofa. Clothes that don't cost a fortune or look like a muumuu. The insult to the injury was my guy's response to my new only slightly more comfortable choice in undergarments.. "are they comfortable?", followed by "are they supportive?".

Waiting for the the it's totally worth it speech? Sorry, going to have to wait it out because despite being worth it, I'm not liking it. Yes pregnancy, I see you and I dislike you. End of story.

P.S. this blog has been brought to you by a preggo in need of a rant. 😬

Wood and stone kitchenware

How did it go from summer to fall so quickly? I felt like it barely arrived much less settled in. Anyhoo, I'm really excited about the fall. We find out the baby's sex next week (and no we will not be sharing) and we are dead busy making plans for the future. But some of the things I am looking forward to the most are the little things. Lighting the fire again, pulling out the cushions and blankets, making everything warm and cosy and just enjoying mealtime. I'm in love with this autumn Food & Friends collection from H&M. The plates, that remind so much of Menu's New Norm are on my list, as well as the gorgeous earth-tone pitcher and ebony board. 

Carrot cake with white chocolate glaze

Sunday was birthday celebration time and that means baking because I just can't do store-bought for the ones I love. Of course it was frosted chocolate as my guys are true chocoholics. We still needed something for the not-so chocolate lovers and so we went for a super moist, lightly carroty cake, because I can't abide raisins and walnuts in carrot cake. It was totally the girls favorite...

Ingredients

2 3/4 cups patent flour
1 tablespoon baking powder
400 grams grated carrots

1 1/2 fine white sugar

3 eggs
1 cup vegetable oil
1 tablespoon vanilla powder

1 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon salt

100 grams white chocolate, in pieces

3 tablespoons butter

splash of heavy cream

powdered sugar

roasted almonds pieces

Preheat oven to 180°C. Butter and flour pan with powdered sugar. Combine flour, baking powder, carrots, sugar, eggs, oil ( I used soy), vanilla, cinnamon and salt in a mixer and pulse until incorporated. Pour into pan bake for an hour or until risen and firm to the touch. While cooling, make the glaze. Melt the butter and chocolate in the microwave. Add powdered sugar to taste and enough cream until thick but pourable. Skewer the top and sides of the cake and our pour over the glaze while still warm. Sprinkle over the almonds. Cut, drizzle slices with remaining glaze and serve.

Soft texture

Ikea never fails to inspire me. And remind me that home doesn't need to cost a fortune. Their take on fall and the colder months is full of soft, muted colours and textures. This calm setting is one I'm looking forward too, whether basking by the fire or in sunshine..

Wondertje

This working name for this post was The ICSI Baby files… simply diary entries from unexpectedly the last leg of a very long process. This entire year has been rough and the reason I couldn't blog anymore (no promises). While there is still a mountain of other issues to tackle, I now have an extra reason to get back to happy.

T-3

It’s nine am, the day after our official departure on our ICSI journey, and I don’t know what to think or feel. From going peanut butter slow for so long it now all seems to be going at warp speed. No wait, no delays. In fact, we even picked up the complete arsenal of drugs directly after the appointment. To practising self-injecting when we came in not even knowing if and when we would be starting and fearing the worst... another delay, another doctor, another test. And now gearing up to get started this weekend. And if we’re successful Baby J in a month! Unreal. Need time to process. I repeat: Need time to process.

T+5

Day five of shots. The first one my guy did because the self-injected totally freaked me out the moment I really had to do. Why did no one mention it would feel like a spreading bee sting? Day two and three, less stinging. Day four, go figure was really painful. Can we just leave it at not pleasant. Day five was finally so effortless, that in my morning grog I had to peek to make sure I’d actually injected it. Yes... I stab while looking the other way.

T+7

Side effects, what side effects? In my mind, I’m like I’ve got this. I feel completely unaffected. No mood swings... at least no more than usual. No puffiness or discomfort, except having to be strict with my wake-up call. She’s such a morning person, said no one ever. Plus, I have to eat regularly and timely to avoid constant nausea. Not a big thing unless you have the eating habits of a petulant toddler. Guilty. 

T+10… Time to rename

Whoa, mama! Head still spinning. Life really does happen when you’re busy making other plans. We went for our Sunday morning run in the forest and while I didn’t think much of the extra wheeze because heck, I’m asthmatic, the swollen sausages fingers and painful chest made me wonder what the heck was up?

So, when we got home I opened my trackers only to see one said test yesterday and the other test tomorrow. I figured it must be the hormones from the drugs that are causing a delay but in the end, I caved and did a test… because it’s not like I don’t keep a stockpile of those suckers. Threw it in the cupboard and went to grab some food because of the aforementioned nausea when empty.  When I went back to get it, there was a squinty fake pink line in both boxes! In disbelief, I showed my guy and he was stoic and said ‘it can’t be’ and went back to watching television and didn’t mention it further. Of course, I mentioned it and we talked and decided to do another test in the morning.

Needless to say, I got no sleep. Six am I did my next shot and then took the test. By then my guy could hardly wait the five minutes needed. The result was another barely there double pink. What the hell to do? I’d taken ten days of drugs of which we had no clue what the effect would be only a baby. Who do you call and ask at six am on of course what was a bloody holiday?

At seven we gave up on the idea of sleep and starting searching for usable telephone numbers. We finally ended up getting in contact with the delivery ward as weekend and holiday calls are taken there. We finally got a call back around 9.30 am, telling us to come in for testing. After scrambling to find somewhere for our kids we went to the hospital and they took a sample for testing and told us to come back in an hour. Our cheapie tests weren’t wrong, but they needed to confirm with blood work. Those results came back that afternoon. All I remember of that call was Congratulations, you’re pregnant!

The next day saw more calls with our specialist as it was highly unexpected and not-standard procedure to get this outcome midway through ICSI, especially when we had zero chance of getting pregnant or as the first sarcastic specialist said "miracles can happen". Hopefully our first echo will show a happy, healthy, little bean. Baby J, February 2018! But for now, we smiling like Cheshire cats and bursting on the insides. It’s been a long time coming..

Wearable marble

I was swooning over the brass and marble holders from Yield when I saw the Petra collection.  Natural stone, geometric shapes and precious metals. I've been looking for a simple but unique necklace that is not too trendy or overpowering. These pieces add just enough interest to make a subtle impact. Pictured is my summer fashion musthave, the Menorca necklace.

Summer is...

Summer is hot days and warm nights. Summer cooking is outdoor cooking.  And while I'm still totally digging our current funky barbecue, I'm now looking for ways to get the barrel barbecue by Konstantin Slawinski. It's best to have a separate barbecue and firepit, right?..

Roasted pineapple pound cake

Summer is here! In May! With a vengeance! And that makes me want to bake, go figure.. 

Nothing heavy or difficult, because God's knows it's too hot in Holland to be standing endlessly in the kitchen. This super moist cake, with a hint of summer, is perfect for the BBQ weather we are having. Long live warm, sunny and tropical!

Ingredients

1 can pineapple chunks

1 tablespoon vanilla powder

1 cup butter

1 cup sugar

3 eggs

1 teaspoon vanilla paste

1 1/2 cup flour

1 teaspoon baking soda

pinch of salt

100 ml milk

splash of white rum

coconut flakes

powder sugar

Roast the pineapple in the juices with the vanilla powder until reduced. Set aside. Preheat the oven to 180 degrees Celsius. Butter a bundt pan and dust with powder sugar. Separate the syrup from the pineapple. Puree the pineapple. Set aside. Cream the butter and sugar. Add the eggs and vanilla paste. In batches add the flour, baking soda and salt. Add the milk, one tablespoon of rum and gently fold in the pineapple puree. Pour into prepared pan and bake for 45 minutes or until firm. 

Add a teaspoon of the syrup at a time, with one additional teaspoon of rum, to the powder sugar until thick but pourable. Prick the cake while still warm and pour over the remaining pineapple syrup. Once absorbed drizzle over the glaze and top with coconut flakes. Be generous as the sticky, gooey glaze is the best part. That and lying in the sun with a drink and said slice of cake..

For mom... Caramel almond bagels

Baking and blogging went the way of the dinosaur this year. The why is a story for another day but I thought the best way to get back to both was to make something I crave. And since the kids have been mentioning mother's day, I thought to heck with it. What I want? Breakfast in bed, hot coffee, homemade strawberry marmalade, tooth-achingly sweet caramel and bagels.. fresh, homemade bagels with caramel drenched almonds. It's good to be a mom!

Life's short...eat the bagels. All of 'em!

Colour Monday

We love Easter! The egg search is paramount for the kids. So much so that they don't even realise that last year's haul is part of this year's decor. It's spring, the grass is green and the blossom trees have showered. So of course it's got to be a colour explosion on our Easter table with loads of flowers and chocolates..lots of chocolate! 

Solar

Way back when I blogged my excitement about the Ellum solar light from Feltmark. I completely forgot about them till I received my order a couple of weeks ago! They are as beautiful as their pictures. The magnet for attaching them are also surprisingly strong. All in all I really like these. The only problem? We've since moved and no longer need additional lighting in the hallway. So now I think these would be perfect for highlighting some art. Because they're way too gorgeous for just lighting the path to the loo..

Stiletto

My current daydream, just call it obsession, is beams. Old, thick beams with old-fashioned peg joints. But scraped back, unvarnished and set to contrast in a modern interior. My obsession with timber continues as I'm in love with this bench by Pelle. A beautiful balancing act between slender brass legs and solid blocks of ash. This would be the perfect spot to sit back and admire the beams..

Copper lighting

I spotted this apartment by Josephine Hurley Architecture over at Est and quickly filed it away in my inspiration folder. I pretty much love all the spaces, especially as I've been looking homes for that combine rustic brick into a modern space without making me feel like I have to go the country route. But it's the lighting that made this home pop. Who knew, all you needed was lengths and lengths of copper pipe?

Death by chocolate

I had something completely different in mind for my birthday cake but since Mika's birthday is the same week I figured I'd make his favourite and that is hands down something chocolaty! 

This is chocolate cake with a few twists. There are cherries whipped into the batter for moistness as well as espresso. The glaze is cacao studded with more espresso. Everything gets topped with chunks of berried studded chocolate and rose petals. 

Because if you are going the chocolate route, go all the way, baby! Now to figure out how to chocolate the heck out of his birthday breakfast!

Statement vase

Slightly obsessed (what's new?) with scoping out beautiful pieces. Right now I have a major thing for large, transparent glass vases. I would love a big signature piece but with kids and clumsy moms afoot, I need options...that span the range between 'build a cage around that puppy' to 'easily replaceable'. And this little list is just that!

Seeming to defy equilibrium is the exquisite Ammo vase by Jean Marc Gady. The Echasse vase designed by Menu is on sale now and a good family-budget friendly version is the new Berakna vase from Ikea.