An unlikely thing has happened.. I started having warm feelings for my home again. Weird, because just a couple weeks ago it was still very much "I hate you so much right now". Somehow, being forced to be home, with all of the family, has made me realize how much we have accomplished and reminded me how much wonder this old beauty holds. And so I want to dress her up, because every grand dame needs jewelry...

From left to right; Hubsch candleholderC'est Bon engraved glass ballHay time swirlKlevering candleholder, Tom Dixon bump vase


Peace, serenity, bliss, tranquility... all of these are words that are polar opposites to the way I'm feeling, halfway through week 4 of semi lock-down. I am by nature a complete homebody and I was feeling pretty emotional at leaving the newborn to go back to work early (what was I thinking), so you would think that being home would be easy.

Nope, not so much. I mean at first I was happy and excited to see my partner for more that the 30 minutes between the kids bedtime and ours and being 'teach Lisa' gave me purpose and a chance to really understand what my kids do at school. But somehow, somewhere, this week things changed. Like a switch. I no longer feel like sitting cramped in an armchair so my partner can have the desk. I am tired of running up and down the stairs to help the kids with schoolwork, at the workstations that were quickly thrown together in their rooms. Nor do I feel like expressing milk for the baby, while answering questions in said cramped position. Trying to meditate while brushing my teeth is anything but grounding. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but what I need right now is space. Space around me, but mostly space within my head to be exact.

I'm big on space. I want it, I crave it, I need it. Space to breathe, to think, to reflect. As important to me as the actual air I breathe. My mind is always whirling and spinning. A constant hum of bleeps and thoughts. So having little time and space just by myself for myself, has reached it's limit. So here I am, in the office, at the desk, with the door closed, breathing. An hour or two, in silence. A window of silent, contemplative space, my nirvana. My mental morning walk in the forest, amazing in the simple happiness and joy of trees blooming in the spring.

Noah Sky

I don't know when I last wrote a post. I actually couldn't remember how to log in ๐Ÿ‘€. It's been that long. One of the main reasons being Noah, my little New Year's baby. Noah has firmly claimed his birthright as baby numero uno. However Jaime is not giving up without a fight. Let the baby battles and zombie mom wars commence.. 

Doubts of a mother

Okay, I wrote this three months ago but life has been busier and more stressful of late. One of the reasons is that baby four is on the way! And finally, just finally, am I starting to really embrace it. Despite, wanting a fourth since the day little Jaime was born, it hit me hard when I finally realised I was not on perma-bloat. The questions and doubts started flying.. Is this (still) the right time, can we do this, can we give each child what they need and most importantly What do I even have to offer?

Life is not easy, we struggle from weekday to weekend as they are never enough hours in the day. I can barely find the time to be alone with my thoughts much less really recharge. I feel forever balancing between expectations, as a mom, colleague and partner and feel like I am constantly failing at all. So how can I provide, care and love yet another helpless and innocent human being?

In my heart and soul I believe the world is so much more beautiful for each child that was raised with (self) confidence, love and empathy. Imagine how wonderful it would be if we were all raised to be the brightest star we can be?

My oldest son has been so weighed down by expectations that I did not realise how much he had stopped being himself, stopped shining. Head happily in the clouds and sudden outbursts of happy stories no one can follow or at least not me, all but dwindled. 

That’s coming back and so is his strenght, drive and acumen. Once again, shining brightly in his own way. And it’s mostly this head on bump in his happiness that has me doubting myself. To feel like I’m failing at being the mom my kids needs, made it that much harder to be happy about this little-not so little bump.

But it is also this struggle that makes me know as deeply, that this little innocent has found his home, his mom. When you cry, I crack. When you smile, I shine. When you (out)succeed (me), I rejoice. When you find your strenght, passion and purpose, then will I have succeeded. I will constantly doubt if I am what you need. And that is why I know that I do have something to offer you: Me. My heart and humility. They were already yours. I realise that now. It was never about others approval but about me embracing my doubts. My four are both the heart in this tin woman’s body and the courage in the cowardly. That's what motherhood means to me.

Photo by Jenna Christina on Unsplash.

Dragons and knights

I’ve started this so many times but each time it felt too personal and I couldn’t finish. So here goes attempt ..

You are special and unique. How many times, hopefully, did you hear this as a child or tell it as a parent, teacher, caregiver etc.? But how much it is believed? How unique are you really allowed to be? I’m not talking about the way you look or how you choose to express yourself. But how much room is there for spirit, character and will?

The meek shall one day inherit the world? Or is the world forever geared to the go-getters, the socializers, the askers, the takers, the do-ers. But what if you are not so much defined by doing or even thinking, but more by feeling? And with a internal compass so strong, it guides your every step, whether you want to or not. You know what you want and you have to do what is right. What’s right? You just know. From soul to gut to thoughts to actions.

I’ve often wondered and doubted if there is room and acceptance for the soft of voice and strong in spirit. It’s easy to appreciate and love the outgoing kid, the one everyone easily likes and is helpful to a fault. But what of the quiet one, taking it all-in, processing, analyzing, learning, and secretly all the while trying. The awkward one, who finds it hard to ask to join a group, but is the first one to tell the other kids to stop damaging the playground toys or when the rules are not being followed. Littlest in the group or not, hear me roar. Strength under softness. To stand up and be counted, especially when you want to sit down and be quiet.

Do you sigh under your breath and think here we go again or do you embrace the beauty and depth of this child, as wholly as the outgoing, fun loving one? Or do you not even see the beauty, the soul, the depth or just the plain fact that they are trying, trying their best. Their best is often actually to be what you want. Even when it is not who they are. Imagine battling your dragon, your iron will and your knight?

I am this child. I just grew up and grew cold. It only started really aching again when I look at my son. A mirror I rather not see. Because I banished my dragon and my knight. To deep dusty corners. But then I see that look in his eyes and I’m right there with him. As small but strong. How can others not understand the things you say, when you speak no words or what is behind the words you do speak. When no one seems to see the little telltale signs, the eye-avoidance, the finger snapping (my child time pinching myself), the self-doubt, the inner battle. Your strength is no greater than your heart is soft. The strongest of will and the softest of heart.

The lump in my throat, the catch in my breath, the tears in eyes, is  because because in hiding my own dragon and knight, I forget to cherish yours. To be that soft, stable place, where you can be yourself, where you don’t have to do battle. To teach you that your dragon is as important and beautiful as your knight. In fact your dragon is part of your knight. What is strength without moral, without heart? Let your compass guide you, not mine. Never dim your fire. Never lose your will. Never hide them. They are part of what makes you special and unique. And that makes you beautiful. And as bright as the sun.

Voor Mika, my fiery dragon with the sensitive soul.
I see you, altijd, mama draak.

Double caramel vanilla popcorn

I'm a craver. I often have spontaneous cravings for some specific food (often an unhealthy snack..) and then nothing else will do. And that's often the deal on Sundays, which is my most relaxed day of the week and leaving me the most time to feel snacky.

Luckily popcorn kernels are a staple in our home as well as 'mama stroop' a.k.a. vanilla syrup. Add to that a handful or two of mini caramels I had on hand for some much-craved apple bake, and my foodie fetish was satisfied.. till  another day. A perfect mix of plain, light and dark baked syrup coated  popcorn, baked with and topped with even more caramel pieces. Beautifully served (not so much stored.. I snack fast) on the beautiful circum container. 


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