Doubts of a mother

Okay, I wrote this three months ago but life has been busier and more stressful of late. One of the reasons is that baby four is on the way! And finally, just finally, am I starting to really embrace it. Despite, wanting a fourth since the day little Jaime was born, it hit me hard when I finally realised I was not on perma-bloat. The questions and doubts started flying.. Is this (still) the right time, can we do this, can we give each child what they need and most importantly What do I even have to offer?

Life is not easy, we struggle from weekday to weekend as they are never enough hours in the day. I can barely find the time to be alone with my thoughts much less really recharge. I feel forever balancing between expectations, as a mom, colleague and partner and feel like I am constantly failing at all. So how can I provide, care and love yet another helpless and innocent human being?

In my heart and soul I believe the world is so much more beautiful for each child that was raised with (self) confidence, love and empathy. Imagine how wonderful it would be if we were all raised to be the brightest star we can be?

My oldest son has been so weighed down by expectations that I did not realise how much he had stopped being himself, stopped shining. Head happily in the clouds and sudden outbursts of happy stories no one can follow or at least not me, all but dwindled. 

That’s coming back and so is his strenght, drive and acumen. Once again, shining brightly in his own way. And it’s mostly this head on bump in his happiness that has me doubting myself. To feel like I’m failing at being the mom my kids needs, made it that much harder to be happy about this little-not so little bump.

But it is also this struggle that makes me know as deeply, that this little innocent has found his home, his mom. When you cry, I crack. When you smile, I shine. When you (out)succeed (me), I rejoice. When you find your strenght, passion and purpose, then will I have succeeded. I will constantly doubt if I am what you need. And that is why I know that I do have something to offer you: Me. My heart and humility. They were already yours. I realise that now. It was never about others approval but about me embracing my doubts. My four are both the heart in this tin woman’s body and the courage in the cowardly. That's what motherhood means to me.

Photo by Jenna Christina on Unsplash.

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Dragons and knights

I’ve started this so many times but each time it felt too personal and I couldn’t finish. So here goes attempt ..

You are special and unique. How many times, hopefully, did you hear this as a child or tell it as a parent, teacher, caregiver etc.? But how much it is believed? How unique are you really allowed to be? I’m not talking about the way you look or how you choose to express yourself. But how much room is there for spirit, character and will?

The meek shall one day inherit the world? Or is the world forever geared to the go-getters, the socializers, the askers, the takers, the do-ers. But what if you are not so much defined by doing or even thinking, but more by feeling? And with a internal compass so strong, it guides your every step, whether you want to or not. You know what you want and you have to do what is right. What’s right? You just know. From soul to gut to thoughts to actions.

I’ve often wondered and doubted if there is room and acceptance for the soft of voice and strong in spirit. It’s easy to appreciate and love the outgoing kid, the one everyone easily likes and is helpful to a fault. But what of the quiet one, taking it all-in, processing, analyzing, learning, and secretly all the while trying. The awkward one, who finds it hard to ask to join a group, but is the first one to tell the other kids to stop damaging the playground toys or when the rules are not being followed. Littlest in the group or not, hear me roar. Strength under softness. To stand up and be counted, especially when you want to sit down and be quiet.

Do you sigh under your breath and think here we go again or do you embrace the beauty and depth of this child, as wholly as the outgoing, fun loving one? Or do you not even see the beauty, the soul, the depth or just the plain fact that they are trying, trying their best. Their best is often actually to be what you want. Even when it is not who they are. Imagine battling your dragon, your iron will and your knight?

I am this child. I just grew up and grew cold. It only started really aching again when I look at my son. A mirror I rather not see. Because I banished my dragon and my knight. To deep dusty corners. But then I see that look in his eyes and I’m right there with him. As small but strong. How can others not understand the things you say, when you speak no words or what is behind the words you do speak. When no one seems to see the little telltale signs, the eye-avoidance, the finger snapping (my child time pinching myself), the self-doubt, the inner battle. Your strength is no greater than your heart is soft. The strongest of will and the softest of heart.

The lump in my throat, the catch in my breath, the tears in eyes, is  because because in hiding my own dragon and knight, I forget to cherish yours. To be that soft, stable place, where you can be yourself, where you don’t have to do battle. To teach you that your dragon is as important and beautiful as your knight. In fact your dragon is part of your knight. What is strength without moral, without heart? Let your compass guide you, not mine. Never dim your fire. Never lose your will. Never hide them. They are part of what makes you special and unique. And that makes you beautiful. And as bright as the sun.

Voor Mika, my fiery dragon with the sensitive soul.
I see you, altijd, mama draak.

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Double caramel vanilla popcorn

I'm a craver. I often have spontaneous cravings for some specific food (often an unhealthy snack..) and then nothing else will do. And that's often the deal on Sundays, which is my most relaxed day of the week and leaving me the most time to feel snacky.

Luckily popcorn kernels are a staple in our home as well as 'mama stroop' a.k.a. vanilla syrup. Add to that a handful or two of mini caramels I had on hand for some much-craved apple bake, and my foodie fetish was satisfied.. till  another day. A perfect mix of plain, light and dark baked syrup coated  popcorn, baked with and topped with even more caramel pieces. Beautifully served (not so much stored.. I snack fast) on the beautiful circum container. 

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Statements

Our space is starting to look more like home and less like a renovation project. While we are not quite there yet, the progress is giving me hope.or delusions of completion.Almost there, she said five months in a row.

What better way to stay motivated and get it finished, then to start decorating? Our home is quite formal with angles, mantles and sharp lines. To soften the aesthetic and add a bit of uptown funk, I am really into large-scale mirrors, especially in soft hues.

Francis water color, Menu darkly (sale!), AYTM Circum, Reflective glass

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Favourites

I know, I know, we are not even halfway through February but hey, February is crunch time with three birthdays, valentines and all the rest, so I thought I'd get ahead. I usually fall in love seven times a week, so this is just some of my current favourites. Right now, I'm really into brass but with a modern and warm twist to match the look of our modernised 1907 beauty.

Mediterannea floor lamp, brass wall hook, Arc globe.

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Modern Macrame

I'm the first to admit being anything but adventurous with my walls. I have three pieces of art by the same artist, all on white walls. The idea of texture really appeals to me and would be a welcome change. Something with height (hello, almost 4 metre ceilings) and drama but still allowing all the details of our home to show true. Shockingly, I think these macrame-inspired wall hangings by Milla Novo might be just the thing. I never thought the word macrame would fill me with anything but dread but these look good. They look really good. In fact good enough to have me now lusting after macrame..

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