I’ve started this so many times but each time it felt too personal and I couldn’t finish. So here goes attempt ..
You are special and unique. How many times, hopefully, did you hear this as a child or tell it as a parent, teacher, caregiver etc.? But how much it is believed? How unique are you really allowed to be? I’m not talking about the way you look or how you choose to express yourself. But how much room is there for spirit, character and will?
The meek shall one day inherit the world? Or is the world forever geared to the go-getters, the socializers, the askers, the takers, the do-ers. But what if you are not so much defined by doing or even thinking, but more by feeling? And with a internal compass so strong, it guides your every step, whether you want to or not. You know what you want and you have to do what is right. What’s right? You just know. From soul to gut to thoughts to actions.
I’ve often wondered and doubted if there is room and acceptance for the soft of voice and strong in spirit. It’s easy to appreciate and love the outgoing kid, the one everyone easily likes and is helpful to a fault. But what of the quiet one, taking it all-in, processing, analyzing, learning, and secretly all the while trying. The awkward one, who finds it hard to ask to join a group, but is the first one to tell the other kids to stop damaging the playground toys or when the rules are not being followed. Littlest in the group or not, hear me roar. Strength under softness. To stand up and be counted, especially when you want to sit down and be quiet.
Do you sigh under your breath and think here we go again or do you embrace the beauty and depth of this child, as wholly as the outgoing, fun loving one? Or do you not even see the beauty, the soul, the depth or just the plain fact that they are trying, trying their best. Their best is often actually to be what you want. Even when it is not who they are. Imagine battling your dragon, your iron will and your knight?
I am this child. I just grew up and grew cold. It only started really aching again when I look at my son. A mirror I rather not see. Because I banished my dragon and my knight. To deep dusty corners. But then I see that look in his eyes and I’m right there with him. As small but strong. How can others not understand the things you say, when you speak no words or what is behind the words you do speak. When no one seems to see the little telltale signs, the eye-avoidance, the finger snapping (my child time pinching myself), the self-doubt, the inner battle. Your strength is no greater than your heart is soft. The strongest of will and the softest of heart.
The lump in my throat, the catch in my breath, the tears in eyes, is because because in hiding my own dragon and knight, I forget to cherish yours. To be that soft, stable place, where you can be yourself, where you don’t have to do battle. To teach you that your dragon is as important and beautiful as your knight. In fact your dragon is part of your knight. What is strength without moral, without heart? Let your compass guide you, not mine. Never dim your fire. Never lose your will. Never hide them. They are part of what makes you special and unique. And that makes you beautiful. And as bright as the sun.
Voor Mika, my fiery dragon with the sensitive soul.
I see you, altijd, mama draak.
