Diaries...That girl

Recently someone reiterated a statement I’ve heard quite a bit…’you’re not the same girl’. On the one hand I’m like 'what’ and on the other I’m like 'no shit’. But it got me thinking about change. Have I changed? Probably. But exactly what has changed that makes people say that sentence..

 If you never change, you never experience, you never learn, you never grow. In fact change is so much part of my DNA, I can’t do without it. I feel frustrated when I’m told to calm down, take it easy, go with the flow. Don’t you decide what your flow is? Don’t you want to move? Aren’t your engines revved and waiting? Don’t you feel alive for life? That’s the way I feel. It always has been. What’s different is the intensity of that need and the fact that it shows. I’m off the scales introverted so I let very little slip, by design and by effort but I do that less and less, by design and by effort. I can no longer keep a poker face like I used to and also feel no need to always keep my opinion to myself. I think that makes the contrast less startling as the quiet exterior with the not so garden variety views but extremely sensitive personality can be a bit disconcerting. While I still shave off the tops and depths for most and in most situations, it’s not the flat line like the general landscape of the country I live in. That is not my personality and now I let that show because it’s who I am. And everyone else is taken, no?

 Another such sentence I hear is ‘you walk, you dress, with confidence’. Yep, no denying I was never a sweats and kicks kind of girl, in fact I just bought my first pair of sweats for my birthday back in February.. fitted high-waisted pair I wear mostly with heels.. But what has changed is that, that also comes out to play more, that being my personality. I’m not going to lie. That personality has seen pretty much a complete refresh of my style in the last year or two. If I think about it, it is the change on the inside reflected on the outside. I remember very clearly walking slumped over, trying not to be noticed and blend in. As a kid, definitely as a teenager, at collage, at work, as a mom and even as a partner. Hidden amongst the crowd and in the roles. Hiding for fear because heck yea, I’m human.

 Head down, work hard, keep calm or at least look it was the motto of that girl. That girl mourned the lost of that life, that shield, that boy. Much effort and force to change that motto into head up & I’m right here, even on the days when I feel more human than the day before.

So guess what, that girl grew up..she’s this woman! Maybe a bit later, slower, or a more accelerated change than others but here she is, for better or worse. That girl will always be a part of this woman’s but there the buck stops. I was that girl who became this woman.