Doubts of a mother

Okay, I wrote this three months ago but life has been busier and more stressful of late. One of the reasons is that baby four is on the way! And finally, just finally, am I starting to really embrace it. Despite, wanting a fourth since the day little Jaime was born, it hit me hard when I finally realised I was not on perma-bloat. The questions and doubts started flying.. Is this (still) the right time, can we do this, can we give each child what they need and most importantly What do I even have to offer?

Life is not easy, we struggle from weekday to weekend as they are never enough hours in the day. I can barely find the time to be alone with my thoughts much less really recharge. I feel forever balancing between expectations, as a mom, colleague and partner and feel like I am constantly failing at all. So how can I provide, care and love yet another helpless and innocent human being?

In my heart and soul I believe the world is so much more beautiful for each child that was raised with (self) confidence, love and empathy. Imagine how wonderful it would be if we were all raised to be the brightest star we can be?

My oldest son has been so weighed down by expectations that I did not realise how much he had stopped being himself, stopped shining. Head happily in the clouds and sudden outbursts of happy stories no one can follow or at least not me, all but dwindled. 

That’s coming back and so is his strenght, drive and acumen. Once again, shining brightly in his own way. And it’s mostly this head on bump in his happiness that has me doubting myself. To feel like I’m failing at being the mom my kids needs, made it that much harder to be happy about this little-not so little bump.

But it is also this struggle that makes me know as deeply, that this little innocent has found his home, his mom. When you cry, I crack. When you smile, I shine. When you (out)succeed (me), I rejoice. When you find your strenght, passion and purpose, then will I have succeeded. I will constantly doubt if I am what you need. And that is why I know that I do have something to offer you: Me. My heart and humility. They were already yours. I realise that now. It was never about others approval but about me embracing my doubts. My four are both the heart in this tin woman’s body and the courage in the cowardly. That's what motherhood means to me.

Photo by Jenna Christina on Unsplash.

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