Noah Sky
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Doubts of a mother
Okay, I wrote this three months ago but life has been busier and more stressful of late. One of the reasons is that baby four is on the way! And finally, just finally, am I starting to really embrace it. Despite, wanting a fourth since the day little Jaime was born, it hit me hard when I finally realised I was not on perma-bloat. The questions and doubts started flying.. Is this (still) the right time, can we do this, can we give each child what they need and most importantly What do I even have to offer?
Life is not easy, we struggle from weekday to weekend as they are never enough hours in the day. I can barely find the time to be alone with my thoughts much less really recharge. I feel forever balancing between expectations, as a mom, colleague and partner and feel like I am constantly failing at all. So how can I provide, care and love yet another helpless and innocent human being?
In my heart and soul I believe the world is so much more beautiful for each child that was raised with (self) confidence, love and empathy. Imagine how wonderful it would be if we were all raised to be the brightest star we can be?
My oldest son has been so weighed down by expectations that I did not realise how much he had stopped being himself, stopped shining. Head happily in the clouds and sudden outbursts of happy stories no one can follow or at least not me, all but dwindled.
That’s coming back and so is his strenght, drive and acumen. Once again, shining brightly in his own way. And it’s mostly this head on bump in his happiness that has me doubting myself. To feel like I’m failing at being the mom my kids needs, made it that much harder to be happy about this little-not so little bump.
But it is also this struggle that makes me know as deeply, that this little innocent has found his home, his mom. When you cry, I crack. When you smile, I shine. When you (out)succeed (me), I rejoice. When you find your strenght, passion and purpose, then will I have succeeded. I will constantly doubt if I am what you need. And that is why I know that I do have something to offer you: Me. My heart and humility. They were already yours. I realise that now. It was never about others approval but about me embracing my doubts. My four are both the heart in this tin woman’s body and the courage in the cowardly. That's what motherhood means to me.
Photo by Jenna Christina on Unsplash.
Dragons and knights
I’ve started this so many times but each time it felt too personal and I couldn’t finish. So here goes attempt ..
You are special and unique. How many times, hopefully, did you hear this as a child or tell it as a parent, teacher, caregiver etc.? But how much it is believed? How unique are you really allowed to be? I’m not talking about the way you look or how you choose to express yourself. But how much room is there for spirit, character and will?
The meek shall one day inherit the world? Or is the world forever geared to the go-getters, the socializers, the askers, the takers, the do-ers. But what if you are not so much defined by doing or even thinking, but more by feeling? And with a internal compass so strong, it guides your every step, whether you want to or not. You know what you want and you have to do what is right. What’s right? You just know. From soul to gut to thoughts to actions.
I’ve often wondered and doubted if there is room and acceptance for the soft of voice and strong in spirit. It’s easy to appreciate and love the outgoing kid, the one everyone easily likes and is helpful to a fault. But what of the quiet one, taking it all-in, processing, analyzing, learning, and secretly all the while trying. The awkward one, who finds it hard to ask to join a group, but is the first one to tell the other kids to stop damaging the playground toys or when the rules are not being followed. Littlest in the group or not, hear me roar. Strength under softness. To stand up and be counted, especially when you want to sit down and be quiet.
Do you sigh under your breath and think here we go again or do you embrace the beauty and depth of this child, as wholly as the outgoing, fun loving one? Or do you not even see the beauty, the soul, the depth or just the plain fact that they are trying, trying their best. Their best is often actually to be what you want. Even when it is not who they are. Imagine battling your dragon, your iron will and your knight?
I am this child. I just grew up and grew cold. It only started really aching again when I look at my son. A mirror I rather not see. Because I banished my dragon and my knight. To deep dusty corners. But then I see that look in his eyes and I’m right there with him. As small but strong. How can others not understand the things you say, when you speak no words or what is behind the words you do speak. When no one seems to see the little telltale signs, the eye-avoidance, the finger snapping (my child time pinching myself), the self-doubt, the inner battle. Your strength is no greater than your heart is soft. The strongest of will and the softest of heart.
The lump in my throat, the catch in my breath, the tears in eyes, is because because in hiding my own dragon and knight, I forget to cherish yours. To be that soft, stable place, where you can be yourself, where you don’t have to do battle. To teach you that your dragon is as important and beautiful as your knight. In fact your dragon is part of your knight. What is strength without moral, without heart? Let your compass guide you, not mine. Never dim your fire. Never lose your will. Never hide them. They are part of what makes you special and unique. And that makes you beautiful. And as bright as the sun.
Voor Mika, my fiery dragon with the sensitive soul.
I see you, altijd, mama draak.
I see you, altijd, mama draak.
Mummy tummy
Nineteen weeks and counting. Almost half way! After my first two I thought what poppycock when people said "oh, you'll forget everything from a pink cloud". Guess what? I did. How did I forget the nausea, fatigue, pimpled-riddled skin, indigestion and the bloody joint pain?
If I get one more "gosh, you're big" or ''showing early, ehh", I might unleash the full wrath of the emotional train-wreck that I morphed into. Nope, no kidding, it's puppies and sunshine or I'm frazzled mess. I just want a steak for the love of god and a nap somewhere besides a cushion prop mountain on the sofa. Clothes that don't cost a fortune or look like a muumuu. The insult to the injury was my guy's response to my new only slightly more comfortable choice in undergarments.. "are they comfortable?", followed by "are they supportive?".
Waiting for the the it's totally worth it speech? Sorry, going to have to wait it out because despite being worth it, I'm not liking it. Yes pregnancy, I see you and I dislike you. End of story.
P.S. this blog has been brought to you by a preggo in need of a rant. 😬
Shopping a minimalist kids Christmas
My kids first, second and third most wished for gifts are Lego, Lego and more Lego. I swear it's that or nothing this year. But a mom can dream and so here are my most wished for kids gifts. No batteries or garish colours. Just add imagination...
Galaxy globe mobile, puzzlehead brainteaser, quote wall decoration, peach swinger and ladders game.
The mom files
Sitting at my desk looking out at the beautiful flowers and the bees zooming around. And all I'm thinking is how much I miss the kids screaming "mama, ahh, a bee, a bee". Co-parenting is still absolutely the best thing for my kids. That hasn't changed. Man, you should have seen them when they realised there were two trips this summer!
What I didn't realise or maybe selectively forgot was how much I miss their busy, their kid-ness, their tantrums (okay, maybe not so much), their happy. We have a buckload of time to get things done, exercise, relax and anything else we want to do because the job ends at 5 pm and weekends are free. And yet it's hard to enjoy it in quite the same way as I'd imagined.
I'm struggling to muster the giddy anticipation of Wednesday gym sessions, 8 pm and all the other moments that cordoned off momhood. Instead of getting some much need stuff done on my PC, I find myself looking at pictures. 8 pm just means it is 8 pm, not "we made it to bedtime". This beautiful house that all of a sudden seems that so easier to keep clean, seems very big and empty. And that lovely lawn seems less perfect without the kids running around trying to find the robot mower.
I know it's only a few weeks. And yes I know, they will probably wind me up the first day they get back. Actually that's pretty much a given. My floors will be covered in crumbs by lunch. Someone will have been in timeout. And I will be wondering how much longer till bedtime. But it's doesn't matter because I'm a mom.
Peptalk
I had to share the coolest, most totally honest view of parenting around. The peptalk for parents cards by Studio Flash are spot on. I'm continuously bouncing between 'no' and 'whatever, is it bedtime yet?' So I can totally relate..except on sleep being the new sex. :)
Have a great, extra long weekend!
Perks of being a mom
Zoe Isobel went outside to play. A minute later she ran back in with a pretty flower. Two minutes later she ran back in with a dandelion. Just for mom!
Hero training camp
Originally I planned to has this room ready for Christmas! How unrealistic was that. Can you say lacking in planning skills. I seem to totally underestimate the amount of time DIY-ing actually takes. Now I'm happy that we managed to get the first half of the update done.
The vintage climbing rack was completely disassembled and sanded down my hand, lacquered in a matte varnish and reassembled with new hardware. Luckily my guy did the metal because goggles and sparks were a bridge too far.
The super cool swing is from Rafa Kids and purchased here. The shelves are the replacement for the changing table and were so much more work than envisioned. I cut every piece of wood myself and sanded every cm 5 times! And then out came the trusty tub of matte lacquer. The cubes are random sizes and are haphazardly stacked but are fastened to the wall and each other for any bright climbing ideas.
The room is filled with the coolest little accessories, with a ton more in storage since last year, but here are a few of the goodies; spider poster, milk light, cookie light, little monster print, polaroid on wood, lantern and batman mask.
"Sinterklaas kapoentje, gooi wat in mijn schoentje" stroopwafel cake
"But, I don't want to eat my veggies", "I don't want to clean up", "I don't want to go to bed" barely exists at this time of year. The magic of Sint Nicholas means hoping to find goodies in your shoe in the morning, which means me saying at every "I don't wanna.." instance during the day "Humh, I wonder what Sinterklaas would say".
Being good is rewarded because a clean plate and house makes mama a very happy camper. Rewarded with tons of sweet treats, including this syrupy cake. Cinnamon spiced creme brulee cake with caramel and syrup waffles swirls and topped with more syrup and crushed syrup waffles. Perfect thank you for Sint Nick and the angel kids he inspires..though I wouldn't recommend putting a slice of this in a shoe till morning!
Sunday is for..rum custard french toast with fig syrup
I was looking forward to this Sunday like I look forward to shopping! No early wake up call (except for the kids then), no place to be and no chores to get down. OK, back down on earth, I was still game. Sunday slows everything down and allows us one day to have lunch together. Lunch being french toast so rich my guy didn't even want to know what's was in them. Dripping in a sweet and sour reduction of figgy molasses poaching liquid from last week's tarte. I thought I'd made too much but I was fooling myself, just look at those satisfied mugs.
Toast
1 loaf of thick crusty bread
3 eggs
200 grams mascarpone
1/4 cup fine white sugar
2/3 cup whole milk
1/3 cup heavy cream
1 teaspoon vanilla paste
pinch of salt
splash of dark rum
Syrup
poaching liquid
2 tablespoons brown sugar
Reduce the liquid and sugar on medium heat until it coats the back of a spoon.
Whip the mascarpone smooth and add the remaining ingredients except the rum, until smooth and combined. Add as much or as little rum as desired. Or omit the rum entirely but I definitely think it ups the flavour and the smell is amazeballs when the bread hits the pan. The batter should be as rich and thick as a custard. No need to soak, the bread just needs a quick dip. Fry in an uncrowded pan. I use creamed butter, because heck who's counting calories anymore.. Serve with a dusting of powder sugar and syrup. Let the hungry masses..I mean kids, eat lunch!
Plywood loft bed
Plywood is my favourite material at the moment. I have a couple of plywood DIY’s I’m working on and so it is safe to say I’m obsessed. And since my baby have literally almost outgrown his crib, I’m planning bedroom redo. So imagine my delight (actual squeals) to discover an online store dedicated to cool kids gear made of, you guessed it, plywood. Love the name PLyRoom, just too cheeky.
The dream cloud loft bed would be the thing to upgrade the not so huge space. I can see the toy railroad tracks and Lego towers already. Later, a desk an in between an extra bed for sleepovers? This bed allows it all. The fact that it is aesthetically pleasing to the discerning mom's eye is a bonus..
Our Red Sea holiday
Pictures say a thousand words but I'm super hesitant about posting pictures of us. I have been trying to overcome that recently. I still freak out everything I post something with even the smallest bit of me in it but I'm getting there. Plus my kids flipping rock!!
This is our trip to the Red Sea in Egypt. It's the hottest place I've ever been and had the warmest sea 'breeze' I ever felt (blow dryer to the face much..) but we had a blast. We sent pretty much all our time at the swimming pool, where the kids had their favourite treat of hotdogs, fries and churros. I pretty much stuffed my face with sweet treats at every meal but more about that in Monday's post...
For now here a few scenes from everything from a trip to the zoo, taking in a show at the dolphin park, mini sand sculptures to my babe's 5th birthday, dancing the night away, girl time selfies, airport goofing and everything in between. This trip made me super happy and grateful. It's a bit nerveracking (I won't admit that to a certain someone) to take that first trip together and then with kids but hopefully you can see we're happy, mismatched, rejigged and all!
Have a great weekend!
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