Nirvana

Peace, serenity, bliss, tranquility... all of these are words that are polar opposites to the way I'm feeling, halfway through week 4 of semi lock-down. I am by nature a complete homebody and I was feeling pretty emotional at leaving the newborn to go back to work early (what was I thinking), so you would think that being home would be easy.

Nope, not so much. I mean at first I was happy and excited to see my partner for more that the 30 minutes between the kids bedtime and ours and being 'teach Lisa' gave me purpose and a chance to really understand what my kids do at school. But somehow, somewhere, this week things changed. Like a switch. I no longer feel like sitting cramped in an armchair so my partner can have the desk. I am tired of running up and down the stairs to help the kids with schoolwork, at the workstations that were quickly thrown together in their rooms. Nor do I feel like expressing milk for the baby, while answering questions in said cramped position. Trying to meditate while brushing my teeth is anything but grounding. Don't get me wrong, I love my family but what I need right now is space. Space around me, but mostly space within me..in my head to be exact.

I'm big on space. I want it, I crave it, I need it. Space to breathe, to think, to reflect. As important to me as the actual air I breathe. My mind is always whirling and spinning. A constant hum of bleeps and thoughts. So having little time and space just by myself for myself, has reached it's limit. So here I am, in the office, at the desk, with the door closed, breathing. An hour or two, in silence. A window of silent, contemplative space, my nirvana. My mental morning walk in the forest, amazing in the simple happiness and joy of trees blooming in the spring.