2014

I have a few design oriented posts planned or at least floating around in my head but since my heart is definitely in the drivers seat at the moment I decided to do two soulful posts as well; 2014 & 2015.

2015 is more than a resolution since it is not a bullet list of things to achieve but before we get to that; 2014, which explains why. I am writing this post at midnight because I feel the most at night. The gift of feeling is not one that comes with great hours. What got me feeling was understanding love, what it means to me. Love is my 2014. Odd as heck to say of the year your relationship and entire foundation dissolves but let me try to explain..

This year I did lose much. Things some might not even realise or value but to me right up there. Innocence, purity of feeling, belief in the neverending, softness. No matter what, deep down, I always believed in ocean depths and trying. All your heart and never give up. I realise now I stopped feeling my feeling awhile back. I put away pureness, special times and noseys. Hid my hurts behind walls of silence, anger and not asking or even expecting. Stop listening to love or even happy songs when that gifted Roxette power ballads CD always made me cry and then smile. Stop watching movies that made me feel love above self exists, not even Disney. Just stopped.

When everything crumbled, when it was just me, I got up and kept going. Getting on with it was the theme for years and so automatic that I never realised the numbness. The doing was great and what I needed. I needed to have to stand on my own, not just as someones shadow or lesser half. I can haul, drill, shovel and anything else that needs to get done. I will continue to run because I am so proud of it. It helped me to feel achievement, something I never owned before despite achieving quite a few things in my life. Those 21 kms, I did that. I did that in seven months. I will do my power yoga and which each pose and each step closer to calm, I feel I can. I can do this, I can live, I can love. I can be. I am no longer afraid, not of the dark, not of being me, of being vulnerable, of feeling. 'Be practical', 'don't be so vague', 'be realistic'. I am more than that. I have a job, a home, two kids and that means practical and day-focused like you wouldn't believe. Yet that practical aspect is balanced by the feeling. Two halves together complete. Yin and Yang.

And so I found what I had put so far away, I forgot how much I needed it because it's me. My heart, my soul, my feeling. Thousandfold greater, for the all the self I found, all the grit, all the strength, all the confidence, all the pain, all the lost, all the (re)discovery. Someone wished me perseverance and strength for 2015 but for me it is love. It is always love. That is what I thought when my little girl said the moment she saw me this morning 'wow, mama, wat ben je mooi'. It was something I wanted to hear so badly at home and she said if for me in my work-out clothes (though I do think I'm smoking in my gear) and ponytails. The same thing I thought the night before as I carried my kids up the stairs to bed one by one and they hold on tighter so I don't let go. Seriously I have to pry them down inch by inch. I love them more now than when they were born. I don't get love at first sight for newborns. I'm sorry they were gross, covered in goo and stuff and I kept thinking ick they put in on my chest.. But how I love them now. My daughter says spontaneously the most lovely things to me and it reminds of a mug I wish I still had 'your soul is a good one, I see it in your eyes'. She is the most beautiful part of me. The mirror in which I wish to see myself. My son is my innocence, his giggle tickles my heartstrings and when he sings at night 'in de maneschijn' I feel that moon's light and I sing back.

The sense of achievement. The depth of feeling. The joy and pureness of my kids. That is what 2014 was about for me. Love; of self, of others of love itself. Love is now what gets and keeps me going. After everything is said and done, after the dust settles, it is always that for me. And so I do have a few songs that both make me smile (Geronimo) and cry (Superheroes, Say something, Beautiful war) because every love story has mountains as well as a few twists and bends. 2014 is my love story. Guess you can figure out what 2015 is built on? Because 2014 it is just the beginning and my heart is my biggest and most valuable possession. My love is not a burden or too large. That too is a gift and I will give it again wholeheartedly to those who treasure it with theirs.

What was your 2014?