Stardust

I rarely doubt about sharing but today I doubt..

How much easier is it to share struggles, sadness and embarrassing moments than to share the good, the happy and the new. For me at least, the difference is night and day. But right now is happy. Oddly snickering shamefully while writing..OK typing the word happy but happy nonetheless. Guess what? Happy is hard. Happy is forgettable. Happy is not a necessity. Don't get me wrong. I live my life, in all it's schedules and tiredness. But it's busy and long and tight, meaning my idea of dating was..I have a sliver of time left, how about you? And so my idea of dating was nowhere in the realm of relationships, long-haul, futures and  all that jazz. I completely forgotten about feeling; content, calm, peaceful..happy. I guess somewhere along the way I forgot beating heart.

And then I got a message about one of the nicest souls I knew and who is no longer here and you think why 'I’m acting like tomorrow is a given and heart is not everything'. The heart I have for my kids, for my passions is the same heart I have for everything. I’d forgotten why I veered so far off course. I remember now seeing a trailer for ‘The secret life of Walter Mitty’ just before that decision and thinking that’s the way I feel. Like I’m not really living, that my life still has an adventure and a deeper meaning to find. I have yet to see the movie but I now know who to watch it with. 

And so you go on the date with the guy that is ‘so not your type’. So nervous and flustered, he turned a similar shade to a beet. Who’s first reaction was ‘I saw you walk up in your high heels and thought ice queen’. And yet with the few words he managed he left an impact because his eyes rarely left mine and the questions went straight to the core I'd forgotten.. heart. Heart can bring sadness and pain but even more joy and happiness. My heart is my soul and is what drives everything about me. The way I throw myself into momhood, sport, food, the search for beauty. To do all things with love and passion is to do the from the heart.

It's all or nothing for me and I chose nothing, till it turned out I was a bit of an ice queen. Heart deeply hidden. Hidden behind shyness became hidden behind independence and strength. Hidden there is the truest part of me. The part that connects and values and that is vulnerability. The ability to be vulnerable makes me fierce. To be vulnerable with another person and know you are safe. To guard your soft spots, you have to know them. For another to do so, you have to let them in, you have to show your heart, your scars, your wounds, your joys, your passions. That scared me and I wanted to run and hide but how do you hide when someone makes your glance go right back up, only to find in their eyes a version of you that is greater and more beautiful than the one you see. With depth, feeling, emotion and twinkle. I call it stardust.

 I’m happy because someone showed me what it feels like when you are looked at with eyes filled with stars. And it’s equally beautiful the other way round.

P.S. I found the cool visual here.